女人的幸福

出差到悉尼一週。回程的航班上，看了電影<北京遇上西雅圖>。機倉內黑漆一片，我一個人抱著枕頭，看著電影，哭得一遢糊塗。

湯唯飾演的佳佳說，錢有甚麼用，那是沒有心的。她一直盼望孩子的爸會來西雅圖看她，但日子一天一天過去，她甚麼都沒有，只有花不完的錢，和很多很多的包。後來她離開了那個信用卡有無限額度的男人，回到了另一個買不起包，卻把她放到心底裡疼的男人身邊。老掉牙的故事，我卻看得感動不已。

女人是不是一定要有男人疼才幸福？是不是一定要有愛情，生命才完滿？你可以說我沒出息，但這一刻在三萬呎高空的我，真的覺得，薪水再高，物質再豐盛，也比不上，有那麼一個人在家裡等你，讓你期盼，也值得你期盼。

我真的沒甚麼大志。讓我做一個小女人，有疼我的老公，幸福的家庭，我就很滿足了。

三十三

還有一天，便是我的三十三歲生日。

感覺，像是越過了一條分水嶺，踏入了mid thirties的階段。

如果說，三十三歲的我，還對自己有些甚麼期許的話，那就是，希望我能更自信。

或許應該說，希望我能更自在。也就是法文裡的bien dans sa peau - feel comfortable in your own skin, 不卑不亢。

當然，我有自信爆棚的時候，面對老闆時，開會present時，在家人面前認叻時。但更多時候，其實我更缺乏安全感。活了三十三載，其實早就看清了自己的長短處，想改也改不了…但我總太在意別人的看法，特別在一對多的社交場合裡，面對見識比我廣經驗比我多的人，我總會很介壞自己的不足，以致不能好好的舒坦的做自己；別人在高談闊論，我卻只能奄鶉般坐在一角默不作聲。我恨死了這樣的自己。

能夠真正做到bien dans sa peau, 大概是目前最大的心願。

Lucky ducky

I did it again. I was ungrateful and whiny and cranky the past few days (it was not pretty), forgetting completely the fact that I am one lucky ducky.

I am lucky to have a healthy, able body. A bit fat, and short, but still functioning well.

I am lucky to have a job that pays well, so that I can afford many nice things that I want.

I have the best husband, who makes dinner and washes dishes and never hesitates to tell me that he loves me.

I have the best family, who chats and jokes with me on whatsapp and sometimes runs errands for me and most of all just wants me to be happy.

I have friends at home that still care about me. I can use some more close friends here in Singapore, but finding company for a girls' night out, a brunch, or a dinner / drinks is never a problem.

Seriously, what more can I ask for?

[Random] 公園

1. 我很喜歡公園。

2. 每來到一個城市，我都要到那兒的公園走一走，看一看。雖然公園一般離不開春田花花大片草地加噴水池的組合，但每次走進公園，看見那一片綠意鴦然，心胸總會變得舒坦，人也快樂一點。

3. 而且，公園不像其他旅遊景點，是真實的，是人們生活的一部份。跑步的，帶小孩寵物散步的，睡午覺的，看書的… 我喜歡這樣坐在公園的一角，靜靜地看各式各樣的人，過自己的生活。

4. 每一個好的城市，都應該有一個好的公園，寬廣，綠化，就在市中心，誰都可以進去。曼克頓的中央公園是最好的例子。倫敦的海德公園和巴黎的盧森堡公園也不錯。最近去了塞維爾(Seville) 的公園，大大的噴泉在宏偉的西班牙廣場上，舉目是樹林和草地，真正讓我留連忘返。

5. 香港也有維園，但不夠大，綠化也做得不夠好，比較像一個運動場。如果維園能像大埔海濱公園那樣就好了，這樣，也許香港人的心胸可以寬大一點，人也可以開心一點。

[Random] 從手袋想到的

1. 想買一個手袋。上班時用，幹練又不失典雅，低調而有品味，有什麼選擇？其實也不是負擔不起愛瑪士，但心裡總暗暗覺得，我這妹妹頭，恐怕還駕馭不了Birkin，不如不用。

2. 四十歲吧，希望我四十歲的時候，能有一個Birkin。如果我還在上班的話。

3. 四十歲聽起來很可怕。但想當年二十出頭的時候，也曾覺得三十歲是遙不可及的事。

4. 不知什麼時候開始，我已不再自動是辦公室裡最年輕的一個。雖然外表還是妹妹頭，但談經驗，談歷練，談心態，實在不可算年輕了。

5. 如果主流手袋品牌也能用來形容一個女人的成長，大概會是這樣吧： 大學時用Agnes b, 剛出道愛Coach或Burberry Blue Label, 漸漸心儀Gucci, 再升呢到Prada, 然後是Chanel, Hermes…

6. 這麼一寫，忽然覺得女人好膚淺啊。

There are no clean slates

四個月彈指過去了，這是怎麼一回事。

四月其實有許多大事發生：上了車買了樓從此負上幾百萬巨債。參加了三十天熱瑜珈挑戰。因為天天做熱瑜珈很容易肚餓竟然越來越肥。又，拿到了一個job offer。為是否跳糟一事猶疑不已。

面對這許許多多的事，不禁又要問自己，其實我追求的是什麼？隨着每一天的結束，我是否有朝夢想的人生前進一點？

有時候，我真想回到過去，重新開始。

但現實是，人生沒有重新開始。過去的種種決定和選擇，對的也好錯的也罷，都成就了今天的我們。時光不會回頭，我們不能回到最初的起點，只能一直背着過去的包袱，除除找路。但誰說下一個路口，不會是柳暗花明，一片全新景象呢？背着包袱，也可以有新開始，我相信。

There are no clean slates, but you don't need one to start fresh.

每一步，都可以是新開始。

It can only get better

Believe it or not, March will be over in 2 more days. (Seriously, where did all the time go?) For the last two months in a row, I have written and posted on the last day of the month, ranting about how lost and unmotivated I was, and wishing and hoping that the start of a new month will bring some positive changes.

So now that March is almost over, has it gotten any better? In some ways, yes. The flu is finally gone (thank goodness), and we have confirmed our honeymoon trip with a line up of very nice hotels in Andalusia. I've even splurged on an Alice + Olivia floral dress and a pair of dreamy louboutin espadrilles to add to my honeymoon wardrobe! And to embark on the journey to become a  true taitai, I have also made dinner a few times, much to SB's delight. *pat on back*

But then, as always, some things are not as good. And I have come to realize that I am the root of all the problems: Too many weak moments where I let procrastination and complacency get the better of me. Too many empty promises that I have failed to keep. Too many days and nights that I have wasted by doing nothing. And... I am the only one who can change this.

So now, if you will bear with me, here are the things that I swear I will be better at starting in April:

1. Getting back in shape: I have done it and I know I can do it. All it takes is willpower and discipline!
2. Managing my finances: SB and I are planning on buying our first home soon but this has made us realize how lacking we are in terms of finances. That means I really have to cut down my occasional splurges and use money more wisely.
3. Cooking at home: SB seems to be quite happy with my cooking so far. I look forward to trying some new recipes in the new month!
4. Being professional at work: as mentioned in my last posts, work has been dragging me down lately. I'm crossing my fingers that April will bring some good news, so let's see... but I hate being and feeling mediocre, and something has to be done regardless.

So here is my list of April resolutions, if you will. I will report back in a month to let you know how it goes.

西班牙像一本書(上)

我被西班牙的歷史迷住了。

事情是這樣的：去年八月結婚後，我們一直沒有騰出時間去渡蜜月。蜜月的地點倒是想了很多：希臘、Seychelles、大溪地、突尼西亞、土耳其…幾乎所有地方都考慮過。然後有一天，一個念頭忽然在我腦海裡植根，揮之不去。於是我跟老公說：不如我們去西班牙南部吧。

現在想來，會忽然想到西班牙，許是一種奇異的緣份。當初的想法，是嚮往西班牙感覺慵懶－每天睡到自然醒，在山城中隨意漫步，吃吃喝喝，累了回酒店睡午覺，正合我們心意。加上，西班牙南部安達路西亞（Andalusia）是一個有風景、有故事的地方。坦白說，要去靚resort對著靚海景發呆，我們從新加坡坐兩小時飛機已有不少選擇，但安達路西亞，安達路西亞有翠綠的山巒，有蔚藍的海岸，還有亞拉伯統治數百年後留下的一千零一夜般的異國色彩...

就這樣決定了。

這次回娘家，無意中找到了這本《西班牙像一本書》。書是我六七年前買下的，卻一直無緣讀畢，這次時機對了，翻開第一頁，便無法放下。

同一作者寫的《帶一本書去巴黎》，早已是我最愛的書之一。這書風格一致，以半遊記的寫法，與歷史故事交織，帶出各種關乎人性，文明，宗教的反思。

我和作者一樣，其實是去過西班牙的。我們都去過巴塞隆那，膜拜過高弟鬼斧神工的建築，但「卻本能地覺得，我們只是到了巴塞羅那，我們還沒有到過西班牙。我們沒有看到堂吉訶德的拉曼卻荒原，也沒有聽到西班牙內戰槍炮留在山谷裡的回聲。從此，留下一個夢，哪一天我們還要回去，走進西班牙。」

看畢全書，只感覺自己孤陋寡聞，從來不知道西班牙原來有著如此曲折、滄桑而動人的故事。而故事，正是由我們要去的安達路西亞開始。（待續）

Mojo where are you?

So it's been a month since my last post, but things are, unfortunately, not much better. The uber annoying flu is still lingering (it's been what, almost two months?), I'm not feeling any more motivated at work, and I just recently found out that I couldn't fit into my skinny jeans anymore. I've hit an all time low.

Let's hope that March will be a less disappointing month, and that my next post will be more uplifting.

Mojo, I need you back.

A (not so) happy new year

Unfortunately my 2013 was not off to a very good start.

First of all, I got sick, twice. Ironically, I was perfectly fine in subzero Canada during Christmas, but somehow managed to get a "cold" in 30-degree Singapore. And then I passed the germs to my husband who then passed them back to me and in the process the germs got 10 times stronger (what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, indeed). So here I am, 20 days after I had my first sneeze, still having sniffles and coughs and all those nasty things.

And work has just been too much of a yoyo lately. Some days I feel like I'm in my top form and am ready to take on the world, but some days I just have no idea what the hell I'm doing at all. There are many aspects of my current job that I know are out of my elements, but more importantly it's because other people's comments just have too much of an effect on me. Which they shouldn't, because I'm supposed to be mature and confident and know what I'm doing. But all I know is, I take everything way too personally and my stress level is off the roof.

And because of both my less-than-ideal health and work situation, I have been in a crappy mood most of the time. And because I have been in a crappy mood, I haven't been exercising like I should. Hence I feel fat, and I feel guilty, and I don't like myself. Now I suppose that doesn't help with my health and work... talk about a downward spiral.

So what can I look forward to? I don't know. Maybe something as small as the start of a new month? As people love to say, "tomorrow is another day".

Please someone come and give me a swift kick in my butt.

Or bring me a good tarte au citron.