Feeling grounded

Some of you may remember that I had a Yoga teacher (Master Kapil) before who watched and guided my practice. Master Kapil has taught me many things - some of them were (sadly but not surprisingly) forgotten, but some, I'm happy to say, have stayed with me since.

For example, the importance of feeling grounded.

Mountain pose (Tadasana) is probably the most basic of all Yoga poses: it is simply "standing there". It is simple, but also profound. In the Mountain pose, you should stand still, balanced, straight and strong (hence the name Mountain). Your body should be rooted to the ground, weight evenly distributed on both feet, supporting the upper body to lengthen, to grow tall. This feeling of lengthening can only occur when you feel grounded, as it makes you feel safe and strong and gives you energy and support. It is only when you feel grounded that you can reach high, said Master Kapil.

And grounded is how I feel since I moved to Singapore a month ago. After nomading from city to city and moving from one apartment to another for the past five years, I finally feel that I'm "home". Now this is for my brother (who likes to tease me for having converted into a Singaporean): home is not Singapore per se. Home is precisely the feeling of groundedness. Finally when I see SB I don't need to count down the number of days 'til I have to get on the plane again. (On the contrary, I see him EVERY DAY now! :O Now THAT takes some getting used to.) It feels so good to have someone to coming to, after s good or bad day.

And I'm happy. Like Master Kapil said, when you feel grounded, you feel like you can do anything and achieve any goal. I'm so grateful that now, after a good or bad day, I have a place to come home to, with arms that always welcome me with a nice po po. I feel grounded. I feel strong.

Memory Fragments

A common mistake in my eyes that many brides make is that they get too obsessed about how pictures of the big day will turn out, so much so that they care more about taking pictures than just being there and enjoying the moment.

Don't get me wrong, I was guilty of it too. Honestly, if one were to look at my thoughts bubbles on the day(s), one would find mostly meaningless, self-obsessed jabbers like: "Is my hair still looking good? Gosh it's so hot my makeup must be melting. I wonder if that will show in the pictures?" "Where is the make up lady? My make up is melting!!!!" "This is awesome. Where is the photographer? Why is he not here to take picture of this moment?"... Well, you get the idea.

But a wedding is so much more than just pictures. Pictures, however epic or delicate they are, can capture but a small part of the overwhelming love and happiness one feels that day. That's why I thought I would write down some of the mental images that I want to take with me, to keep my heart warm when I'm feeling a little down or depleted or not grounded: (Warning: it's a really long list, so read on with caution...)

- trying to decide which McDonald breakfast to have in the morning and which one to save for Josephine (my best friend and matron-of-honor). I took the yummier-looking one, I think. Sorry Jo.
- the feeling of excitement and surrealism the whole time when I was getting my hair and makeup done
- turning back so that Josephine could take a snap of me before I was about to head out to the bridal suite

- briefing my nephews about the rules of the "door game": "You two are police, ok? You need to guard this door and not let Jon in until he says the magic word."
- hearing a huge burst of laughter when I was hiding behind the door and wondering what was happening outside (later I learned - of course - that it was because Austin just said the magic word out loud when he was asked! Not quite police material, I'm afraid.)
- the look on SB's face when he opened the door and saw me in my wedding dress for the first time
- the tears in Mum's eyes when I served her tea during the tea ceremony
- feeling like a celebrity as passers-by shoot me looks of admiration (I think :p) as we were taking pictures at the Novotel Arch
- getting off our Limo outside the Music Garden, seeing the splendid weather and feeling all thankful about it
- the kids, who were supposed to lead the way and walk down the non-existent aisle, wandered totally off-route and started to run to their mom. It was hilarious.

- holding Dad's arm and walking down the aisle. Everyone was looking at me. Everyone was smiling and they all looked so happy.

- looking into SB's eyes when he said his vows. He promised to talk to strangers for me and always tum-tum me! :D

- the delight of having a sip of lemonade in the unbelievable heat, but then had to remind myself not to go crazy - there was no way I could go to the toilet in that dress
- the cupcake tower was really, really pretty

- rain started to pour soon after we all sat down for dinner. We were so lucky with the weather!
- all the compliments I received about my awesome 5-inch Jimmy Choos. Well, my feet have never felt so painful before in my whole life, but it's a small price to pay for such fabulous shoes
- the whole house burst into laughter when they saw the slide that showed SB liked collecting point cards and I liked collecting shoes
- seeing how proud my dad was when he took me around to talk to all our relatives during dinner
- our first dance to "The Way You Look Tonight" - a song that I have secretly wanted for a very, very long time to be our first dance song. Thanks for making that happen, SB.

- our last dance to "We Are Young" at 2am - it might just be my favorite moment of the night. All of his best friends were there and we were all dancing and singing and having fun and acting silly (Group hugs!). It was that exact moment that I thought, they had become my friends too! It felt like we had been through something major together. I was really, really touched, and was really happy for SB for having such great friends.
- back to Hong Kong, I was going crazy writing greeting cards and envelops for every guests, sometimes until 1am (We had little cards for every guest to tell them which table they were seated at, and on the cards were personalized messages for them. Cute idea, but a total nightmare in execution, I must say)

- the photographer commenting that my veil was "so nice and soft" and "not just a regular veil" (I was glad that someone noticed!)
- seeing that all my girlfriends made it on time to the nail spa, all happy and giddy with their manicure, champagne and truffle; the manicure party was a big success!
- thinking that "wow this place is really massive" as we entered our Suite at Four Seasons. Only later did we learn that it's not a regular Executive Suite - we got upgraded to a Deluxe Suite that day which apparently costs HKD28,000++ a night! Both SB and I are positive that it will be the most luxurious hotel room we will ever stay in in our life. When we invited my brother and his kids to come over the next morning, the kids kept repeating "This is too big! Everything is too big!"
- getting my makeup done in the bridal powder room in the restaurant and watching in the mirror how my girlfriends were running around to help with the wedding. I felt so loved. Thank you, friends.
- tonnes of old memories flashed back as my best friends Ching Man and Siu Yan spoke on the stage. I have always been a fortunate girl - lucky to have many true friends who have shared different stages of my life and have stayed true throughout all these years. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.
- seeing SB's parents' smiles of approval when I thanked them for raising a son with great values
- a few people came up to me that night to thank me for making the donation on their behalf. Some also asked for more details on Xiao Bian Dan to see how they could help some more. 
- I was knocked down by my aunt when she came over to give me a big hug at the end of the night! (Not entirely her fault - my feet were wobbly from standing too long in those Jimmy Choos!)
- changed into bathrobes and slippers (THANK GOODNESS!) and wolfed down the leftovers from the banquet in our monster suite after the night was over. WE DID IT!

How I wish I could seal all these memories in a tin so that I could take them out and relive the days whenever we want to. I hope I will never, ever forget that I was once so happy and so loved (and so pretty and so slim), and always be thankful for that.

I really am the luckiest girl in the whole wide world.

Merrily Married!

It's done! And it was everything that I had ever dreamed of.

Thank you hubby, family, and friends, for making me feel like I'm the luckiest girl in the whole wide world.

Getting married - What does that really mean?

On this day last year, SB proposed.

It's been a year since we got engaged. I will be honest and tell you that it was not all smooth sailing and there have definitely been ups and downs in the past 12 months. Of course, it was 99% happy and good, but there were also a few not-so-good moments that could not be overlooked. Long distance relationships are hard, and after more than two years of trying to make it work, I have a feeling that we've probably reached the limit. So - that's it - no more long distance after getting married. We'll stick together, in the same city, in good times and bad times.

I've also thought long and hard about the meaning of marriage. When I said in my last post that I worried a lot, it's not the wedding that I was worried about. (C'mon, I'm more mature than that I'd like to think!) Sometimes hollywood chick flicks and glossy bridal magazines lead us to think that wedding is the perfect ending and the only thing that matters, but as many will also agree with me, wedding is only the beginning: the beginning of a new family, a new chapter of life.

So at times, I find myself wondering about marriage and what it means, about the future and what that holds. Don't get me wrong, I love the man that I'm about to marry, there is no doubt about it. I know I want to share every day of the rest of my life with this person; I know I want to have a family and have kids with him; I know I want to be there for him no matter what the world has come to.

But the problem is, just like this year since we got engaged, it is not going to be all smooth sailing. There're gonna be bumps along the way. We will have fights. We will have bad times. I already know it and it makes me scared. I don't handle uncertainties very well, and that's probably one of my biggest shortcomings. Yes, we are in love with each other now, but what does how we feel at this moment even mean in the longer horizon of time? Will we feel this way 10, 20, 30 years later? Are we still going to be happy? Will we still love each other as much as we do now? And if not what's going to happen - Do you quit? Do you stay? Some people may disagree but I believe that once you're married, quitting isn't that simple anymore.

And then I thought better of it. Perhaps this is precisely what getting married is all about: that you're willing to commit to it and make it work, knowing already that it won't be all rosy and perfect. It's not an impulse decision. It's not about having the opportunity to have the dream wedding come true. And it's certainly not about having a legitimate reason to become a tai tai (heehee, although that is kinda sorta important too...) It's about taking the chance and being in it for the long haul.

And there, I know this much is true: I am willing to take this chance, and I am in it for the long haul. So yes, I'm certain that I want to marry you, my SB(J).

Happy engagement anniversary.

Everything is fine

Last month I ordered a bridal headpiece from a lovely shop on etsy.com. It was a gorgeous headpiece - I loved it so much that I was willing to pay a hefty price for it (well, hefty for what it is). I paid with my PayPal, expecting the package to be delivered to my doorstep a week later.

Only it wasn't.

I waited, and waited. Weeks have passed, I checked the status on the US Post Office daily and it kept displaying the same message: "Package is in transit."

I was getting antsy.

I wrote to the shop, and while the shopowner was as nice and polite as she could be, she just told me to be patient and wait a bit longer.

Then I started to get really antsy. It's already been 4 weeks. Usually overseas parcels only take a week to get to HK! (Think ASOS.) Did the parcel get lost? Will the shop agree to send me a replacement? Will I be able to get my money back if they refuse? I was worried sick.

And then today, I went to the US Post Office website to check the status again. Ta-da!!! The parcel is in Hong Kong! It's here! It's fine!

As the wedding day approaches, I find myself worrying a lot... it's not good. I wish I knew how to stop it (maybe yoga will help?)... because most of the time, just like this small incident, I just stress myself out and kill zillions of brain cells by worrying for nothing.

*Take a deep breath*

*Repeat after me*

Everything will be fine.

不再核心的核心價值

香港的核心價值是什麼？以我作為香港人的認知，認為是：廉潔，自由，效率。香港這麼多年的繁榮發展，靠的不就是這三個因素嗎？

我自小在香港長大，一直為這片土地驕傲。唸MBA的時候，別人問我從那兒來，我總是回答，我是香港來的。對方總會「哦」一聲，然後跟我說香港的繁華香港的活力，有多impressive。

只是，這些年來，想到香港，想到香港的種種改變，心裡不是沒有保留的。直到我來到上海工作，我才明白，問題出在那裡。

香港的核心價值，和阿爺所期望所欣賞的價值，根本不是同一件事。廉潔，自由，效率？在這裡都不值一哂。來到內地工作後，我發現，用我既往一貫的方法工作，會被認為是蠢，是不識時務。在這裡，生存，發達，都有自己的一套方式。老闆，或稱領導，在這裡，代表了至高無上的權力：一切東西的執行，就是要靠一層一層的領導，以自己身為老闆的權力，傳達執行下去。這裡不講究創新不講究主動（主動討好老闆除外），不提倡個人主義也不鼓勵個人色彩，甚至不在乎做的是不是正確的事。最重要的，是領導的話，領導的意向，領導的評價。誰管你什麼廉潔，自由，效率。

這就是為什麼香港變了。阿爺當前利益當前生存當前，你變，還是不變？香港人自以為的核心價值，已經再沒有人擁抱。像是小公司被大財團收購，小公司的文化，慢慢會被大財團所蠶食所同化。你眷戀小公司以往的開明自由，卻也要明白，大環境就是變了。往日的老闆想要的，和今日的老闆想要的，已是截然不同的東西和價值。硬想又要在老闆面前做得好又要忠於自己的核心價值，只會落得精神分裂。在這裡，你要麼conform，要麼jump ship。

打工可以跳槽，但香港是咱們家，我們要跳到那裡去？難道真的要移民瓦努阿圖？

Holding on

I was taking a walk in the park downstairs just now, listening to my new iPod (which Apple generously gave to me for free to replace my first generation one which apparently had battery overheating problems... btw, does anybody still use iPod nowadays?) Now, this is rather embarrassing to admit, but I hardly have any new music. My newest song on iTunes is probably Love the Way You Lie. I'm not sure. Anyway, my playlist is shamefully old.

So I was walking in the park, watching people jog and walk their dogs and push around baby strollers, my iPod on shuffle mode. And then all of a sudden, this song came to my ears.

Waking up I see that everything is okay
The first time in my life and now it's so great
Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed
I think about the little things that make life great

I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect, please don't go away
I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

-- Innocence (by Avril Lavigne)

Sometimes I forget how loved and blessed I am, and fall into the trap of self-pity with obsessive, negative self talk - let's just say it's a not so pretty version of me. But at times like this, something so stripped down is all I need - someone to yell at me, to remind me how blessed I am, to tell me to shut up and just be thankful and hold on to it.

And this song did just that.

Now it's about time to make some dinner. After dinner I may go download some new music, or I may do some work, or I may just read some magazines while bundled up nicely in the bed.

Life is still good. Don't you let it pass you by.