Feeling grounded

Some of you may remember that I had a Yoga teacher (Master Kapil) before who watched and guided my practice. Master Kapil has taught me many things - some of them were (sadly but not surprisingly) forgotten, but some, I'm happy to say, have stayed with me since.

For example, the importance of feeling grounded.

Mountain pose (Tadasana) is probably the most basic of all Yoga poses: it is simply "standing there". It is simple, but also profound. In the Mountain pose, you should stand still, balanced, straight and strong (hence the name Mountain). Your body should be rooted to the ground, weight evenly distributed on both feet, supporting the upper body to lengthen, to grow tall. This feeling of lengthening can only occur when you feel grounded, as it makes you feel safe and strong and gives you energy and support. It is only when you feel grounded that you can reach high, said Master Kapil.

And grounded is how I feel since I moved to Singapore a month ago. After nomading from city to city and moving from one apartment to another for the past five years, I finally feel that I'm "home". Now this is for my brother (who likes to tease me for having converted into a Singaporean): home is not Singapore per se. Home is precisely the feeling of groundedness. Finally when I see SB I don't need to count down the number of days 'til I have to get on the plane again. (On the contrary, I see him EVERY DAY now! :O Now THAT takes some getting used to.) It feels so good to have someone to coming to, after s good or bad day.

And I'm happy. Like Master Kapil said, when you feel grounded, you feel like you can do anything and achieve any goal. I'm so grateful that now, after a good or bad day, I have a place to come home to, with arms that always welcome me with a nice po po. I feel grounded. I feel strong.

Memory Fragments

A common mistake in my eyes that many brides make is that they get too obsessed about how pictures of the big day will turn out, so much so that they care more about taking pictures than just being there and enjoying the moment.

Don't get me wrong, I was guilty of it too. Honestly, if one were to look at my thoughts bubbles on the day(s), one would find mostly meaningless, self-obsessed jabbers like: "Is my hair still looking good? Gosh it's so hot my makeup must be melting. I wonder if that will show in the pictures?" "Where is the make up lady? My make up is melting!!!!" "This is awesome. Where is the photographer? Why is he not here to take picture of this moment?"... Well, you get the idea.

But a wedding is so much more than just pictures. Pictures, however epic or delicate they are, can capture but a small part of the overwhelming love and happiness one feels that day. That's why I thought I would write down some of the mental images that I want to take with me, to keep my heart warm when I'm feeling a little down or depleted or not grounded: (Warning: it's a really long list, so read on with caution...)

- trying to decide which McDonald breakfast to have in the morning and which one to save for Josephine (my best friend and matron-of-honor). I took the yummier-looking one, I think. Sorry Jo.
- the feeling of excitement and surrealism the whole time when I was getting my hair and makeup done
- turning back so that Josephine could take a snap of me before I was about to head out to the bridal suite

- briefing my nephews about the rules of the "door game": "You two are police, ok? You need to guard this door and not let Jon in until he says the magic word."
- hearing a huge burst of laughter when I was hiding behind the door and wondering what was happening outside (later I learned - of course - that it was because Austin just said the magic word out loud when he was asked! Not quite police material, I'm afraid.)
- the look on SB's face when he opened the door and saw me in my wedding dress for the first time
- the tears in Mum's eyes when I served her tea during the tea ceremony
- feeling like a celebrity as passers-by shoot me looks of admiration (I think :p) as we were taking pictures at the Novotel Arch
- getting off our Limo outside the Music Garden, seeing the splendid weather and feeling all thankful about it
- the kids, who were supposed to lead the way and walk down the non-existent aisle, wandered totally off-route and started to run to their mom. It was hilarious.

- holding Dad's arm and walking down the aisle. Everyone was looking at me. Everyone was smiling and they all looked so happy.

- looking into SB's eyes when he said his vows. He promised to talk to strangers for me and always tum-tum me! :D

- the delight of having a sip of lemonade in the unbelievable heat, but then had to remind myself not to go crazy - there was no way I could go to the toilet in that dress
- the cupcake tower was really, really pretty

- rain started to pour soon after we all sat down for dinner. We were so lucky with the weather!
- all the compliments I received about my awesome 5-inch Jimmy Choos. Well, my feet have never felt so painful before in my whole life, but it's a small price to pay for such fabulous shoes
- the whole house burst into laughter when they saw the slide that showed SB liked collecting point cards and I liked collecting shoes
- seeing how proud my dad was when he took me around to talk to all our relatives during dinner
- our first dance to "The Way You Look Tonight" - a song that I have secretly wanted for a very, very long time to be our first dance song. Thanks for making that happen, SB.

- our last dance to "We Are Young" at 2am - it might just be my favorite moment of the night. All of his best friends were there and we were all dancing and singing and having fun and acting silly (Group hugs!). It was that exact moment that I thought, they had become my friends too! It felt like we had been through something major together. I was really, really touched, and was really happy for SB for having such great friends.
- back to Hong Kong, I was going crazy writing greeting cards and envelops for every guests, sometimes until 1am (We had little cards for every guest to tell them which table they were seated at, and on the cards were personalized messages for them. Cute idea, but a total nightmare in execution, I must say)

- the photographer commenting that my veil was "so nice and soft" and "not just a regular veil" (I was glad that someone noticed!)
- seeing that all my girlfriends made it on time to the nail spa, all happy and giddy with their manicure, champagne and truffle; the manicure party was a big success!
- thinking that "wow this place is really massive" as we entered our Suite at Four Seasons. Only later did we learn that it's not a regular Executive Suite - we got upgraded to a Deluxe Suite that day which apparently costs HKD28,000++ a night! Both SB and I are positive that it will be the most luxurious hotel room we will ever stay in in our life. When we invited my brother and his kids to come over the next morning, the kids kept repeating "This is too big! Everything is too big!"
- getting my makeup done in the bridal powder room in the restaurant and watching in the mirror how my girlfriends were running around to help with the wedding. I felt so loved. Thank you, friends.
- tonnes of old memories flashed back as my best friends Ching Man and Siu Yan spoke on the stage. I have always been a fortunate girl - lucky to have many true friends who have shared different stages of my life and have stayed true throughout all these years. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.
- seeing SB's parents' smiles of approval when I thanked them for raising a son with great values
- a few people came up to me that night to thank me for making the donation on their behalf. Some also asked for more details on Xiao Bian Dan to see how they could help some more. 
- I was knocked down by my aunt when she came over to give me a big hug at the end of the night! (Not entirely her fault - my feet were wobbly from standing too long in those Jimmy Choos!)
- changed into bathrobes and slippers (THANK GOODNESS!) and wolfed down the leftovers from the banquet in our monster suite after the night was over. WE DID IT!

How I wish I could seal all these memories in a tin so that I could take them out and relive the days whenever we want to. I hope I will never, ever forget that I was once so happy and so loved (and so pretty and so slim), and always be thankful for that.

I really am the luckiest girl in the whole wide world.

Merrily Married!

It's done! And it was everything that I had ever dreamed of.

Thank you hubby, family, and friends, for making me feel like I'm the luckiest girl in the whole wide world.

Getting married - What does that really mean?

On this day last year, SB proposed.

It's been a year since we got engaged. I will be honest and tell you that it was not all smooth sailing and there have definitely been ups and downs in the past 12 months. Of course, it was 99% happy and good, but there were also a few not-so-good moments that could not be overlooked. Long distance relationships are hard, and after more than two years of trying to make it work, I have a feeling that we've probably reached the limit. So - that's it - no more long distance after getting married. We'll stick together, in the same city, in good times and bad times.

I've also thought long and hard about the meaning of marriage. When I said in my last post that I worried a lot, it's not the wedding that I was worried about. (C'mon, I'm more mature than that I'd like to think!) Sometimes hollywood chick flicks and glossy bridal magazines lead us to think that wedding is the perfect ending and the only thing that matters, but as many will also agree with me, wedding is only the beginning: the beginning of a new family, a new chapter of life.

So at times, I find myself wondering about marriage and what it means, about the future and what that holds. Don't get me wrong, I love the man that I'm about to marry, there is no doubt about it. I know I want to share every day of the rest of my life with this person; I know I want to have a family and have kids with him; I know I want to be there for him no matter what the world has come to.

But the problem is, just like this year since we got engaged, it is not going to be all smooth sailing. There're gonna be bumps along the way. We will have fights. We will have bad times. I already know it and it makes me scared. I don't handle uncertainties very well, and that's probably one of my biggest shortcomings. Yes, we are in love with each other now, but what does how we feel at this moment even mean in the longer horizon of time? Will we feel this way 10, 20, 30 years later? Are we still going to be happy? Will we still love each other as much as we do now? And if not what's going to happen - Do you quit? Do you stay? Some people may disagree but I believe that once you're married, quitting isn't that simple anymore.

And then I thought better of it. Perhaps this is precisely what getting married is all about: that you're willing to commit to it and make it work, knowing already that it won't be all rosy and perfect. It's not an impulse decision. It's not about having the opportunity to have the dream wedding come true. And it's certainly not about having a legitimate reason to become a tai tai (heehee, although that is kinda sorta important too...) It's about taking the chance and being in it for the long haul.

And there, I know this much is true: I am willing to take this chance, and I am in it for the long haul. So yes, I'm certain that I want to marry you, my SB(J).

Happy engagement anniversary.

Everything is fine

Last month I ordered a bridal headpiece from a lovely shop on etsy.com. It was a gorgeous headpiece - I loved it so much that I was willing to pay a hefty price for it (well, hefty for what it is). I paid with my PayPal, expecting the package to be delivered to my doorstep a week later.

Only it wasn't.

I waited, and waited. Weeks have passed, I checked the status on the US Post Office daily and it kept displaying the same message: "Package is in transit."

I was getting antsy.

I wrote to the shop, and while the shopowner was as nice and polite as she could be, she just told me to be patient and wait a bit longer.

Then I started to get really antsy. It's already been 4 weeks. Usually overseas parcels only take a week to get to HK! (Think ASOS.) Did the parcel get lost? Will the shop agree to send me a replacement? Will I be able to get my money back if they refuse? I was worried sick.

And then today, I went to the US Post Office website to check the status again. Ta-da!!! The parcel is in Hong Kong! It's here! It's fine!

As the wedding day approaches, I find myself worrying a lot... it's not good. I wish I knew how to stop it (maybe yoga will help?)... because most of the time, just like this small incident, I just stress myself out and kill zillions of brain cells by worrying for nothing.

*Take a deep breath*

*Repeat after me*

Everything will be fine.

不再核心的核心價值

香港的核心價值是什麼？以我作為香港人的認知，認為是：廉潔，自由，效率。香港這麼多年的繁榮發展，靠的不就是這三個因素嗎？

我自小在香港長大，一直為這片土地驕傲。唸MBA的時候，別人問我從那兒來，我總是回答，我是香港來的。對方總會「哦」一聲，然後跟我說香港的繁華香港的活力，有多impressive。

只是，這些年來，想到香港，想到香港的種種改變，心裡不是沒有保留的。直到我來到上海工作，我才明白，問題出在那裡。

香港的核心價值，和阿爺所期望所欣賞的價值，根本不是同一件事。廉潔，自由，效率？在這裡都不值一哂。來到內地工作後，我發現，用我既往一貫的方法工作，會被認為是蠢，是不識時務。在這裡，生存，發達，都有自己的一套方式。老闆，或稱領導，在這裡，代表了至高無上的權力：一切東西的執行，就是要靠一層一層的領導，以自己身為老闆的權力，傳達執行下去。這裡不講究創新不講究主動（主動討好老闆除外），不提倡個人主義也不鼓勵個人色彩，甚至不在乎做的是不是正確的事。最重要的，是領導的話，領導的意向，領導的評價。誰管你什麼廉潔，自由，效率。

這就是為什麼香港變了。阿爺當前利益當前生存當前，你變，還是不變？香港人自以為的核心價值，已經再沒有人擁抱。像是小公司被大財團收購，小公司的文化，慢慢會被大財團所蠶食所同化。你眷戀小公司以往的開明自由，卻也要明白，大環境就是變了。往日的老闆想要的，和今日的老闆想要的，已是截然不同的東西和價值。硬想又要在老闆面前做得好又要忠於自己的核心價值，只會落得精神分裂。在這裡，你要麼conform，要麼jump ship。

打工可以跳槽，但香港是咱們家，我們要跳到那裡去？難道真的要移民瓦努阿圖？

Holding on

I was taking a walk in the park downstairs just now, listening to my new iPod (which Apple generously gave to me for free to replace my first generation one which apparently had battery overheating problems... btw, does anybody still use iPod nowadays?) Now, this is rather embarrassing to admit, but I hardly have any new music. My newest song on iTunes is probably Love the Way You Lie. I'm not sure. Anyway, my playlist is shamefully old.

So I was walking in the park, watching people jog and walk their dogs and push around baby strollers, my iPod on shuffle mode. And then all of a sudden, this song came to my ears.

Waking up I see that everything is okay
The first time in my life and now it's so great
Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed
I think about the little things that make life great

I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect, please don't go away
I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

-- Innocence (by Avril Lavigne)

Sometimes I forget how loved and blessed I am, and fall into the trap of self-pity with obsessive, negative self talk - let's just say it's a not so pretty version of me. But at times like this, something so stripped down is all I need - someone to yell at me, to remind me how blessed I am, to tell me to shut up and just be thankful and hold on to it.

And this song did just that.

Now it's about time to make some dinner. After dinner I may go download some new music, or I may do some work, or I may just read some magazines while bundled up nicely in the bed.

Life is still good. Don't you let it pass you by.

關於婚禮

關於婚禮，我一直有幾個微小願望：

- 在草地上舉行
- 有大提琴伴奏
- 唸自己寫的誓詞
- 儀式裡有一小段reading

婚禮會在多倫多音樂花園舉行。這個花園是馬友友與建築師合作設計的，共分六個部份，靈感分別來自巴哈的Cello Solo Suites No.1的六個樂章，整個花園猶如一首歌。能夠在這花園裡行禮，襯上大提琴的吟哦，在一片綠意盎然中接受至親好友的祝福，這是我能想像到最完美脫俗的畫面了。

至於自己寫vows，是因為想說和想聽彼此內心的說話，也是考慮到語言問題，可能會英語及廣東話雙語進行（因為我希望我的父母也能聽懂我們的誓詞）。其實還未正式和SB商量，但估計問題不大，除了中文的部分，他極可能只會說一句Wo Ai Ni?!

而關於最後一點，Reading這個重任，將會落在六歲的姪兒Justin身上。選了以下Winnie the Pooh的小詩節錄，既符合小朋友的天真，亦能帶出兩個人一起的意義，我很喜歡。

Us Two　(Excerpt)
by A. A. Milne

Wherever I am, there's always Pooh,
There's always Pooh and Me.
Whatever I do, he wants to do,
"Where are you going today?" says Pooh:
"Well, that's very odd 'cos I was too.
Let's go together," says Pooh, says he.
"Let's go together," says Pooh.

"Let's look for dragons," I said to Pooh.
"Yes, let's," said Pooh to Me.
We crossed the river and found a few -

"Let's frighten the dragons," I said to Pooh.
"That's right," said Pooh to Me.
"I'm not afraid," I said to Pooh,
And I held his paw and I shouted "Shoo!
Silly old dragons!" - and off they flew.
"I wasn't afraid," said Pooh, said he,
"I'm never afraid with you."

So wherever I am, there's always Pooh,
There's always Pooh and Me.
"What would I do?" I said to Pooh,
"If it wasn't for you," and Pooh said:
"True, It isn't much fun for One, but Two,
Can stick together, says Pooh, says he.
"That's how it is," says Pooh.


期待那一天，披上白紗，戴上指環，跟你說I do。

The Perfect Sunday Brunch Dress

Since I started reading style magazines as a teenager, I've always had a secret aspiration that is rather embarrassing to admit: to look like I walk out of a magazine all the time. Shows like "The Devil Wears Prada" and "Gossip Girl" give me adrenaline rush because of their wardrobes. I want to look like those girls every day!

But who am I kidding? It takes far too much energy (and money?) to look flawless every single day. Sure, I have my own style, and try to look good most of the time, but I also have more than my fair share of bad hair days, wear-my-yoga-pants-everywhere days, and whatever-just-please-don't-let-me-run-into-my-ex days.

Anyways, I digress. What I wanted to talk about today is, this. dress.


I gasped when I saw it on the Lane Crawford website, and then gasped again when I saw it on the rack in store. It's SO PRETTY! It's got a "Blair Waldolf" feel to it, but just imagine how perfect it would be for a Sunday brunch with girlfriends en printemps! I love the color, the print, and the sophisticated feeling that it brings.

So you think for sure I'd have bought it on the spot - but no. As much as I wanted the dress, I didn't buy it. It wasn't crazy expensive - I have many items that cost more than it does - but then in a split second I thought (with a sigh), I didn't really need it. So I walked away.

I guess this is what they mean by growing up.

Be Professional. Be Happy. Be Kind. (And Look Good!)

This was a snapshot of what my desktop looked like a few years ago, when I was still at INSEAD (I took it to use in a self-introduction presentation at a job interview). I really loved this image. They're probably too small to be seen clearly here, but next to the silhouette, there were three lines of small text that said: Be Professional. Be Happy. Be Kind.

Long have these words been my mottos to live by. Of course there have been numerous occasions where they were forgotten, and I acted less than professionally at work, or let myself be overcome by self-pity, or had mean thoughts about other people. (Wait, I think I did all of those just yesterday!) Nevertheless, these, I'd like to think, still define who I want to be (which, I'm aware, is quite far from who I am today, but you know how writing things down make them more real? So here you go):

- Be professional in what I do
- Be happy regardless of circumstance
- Be nice to others without expecting reciprocity

Oh, and look good. All the time. More on that later.

Things to be thankful for

The whole gratitude thing sometimes comes easily to me, and other times, not so much. I never feel very sorry for myself, but it is easy to take things for granted from time to time. Right now, however, a feeling of thankfulness and being blessed is overwhelming me, and here are a few things that I feel grateful for, in no particular order:

1. My mom got addicted to watching Korean drama online recently, to the point that I would see her still on Gtalk past midnight every night. So I'd always nudge her before I go to bed: "it's time to go to bed, mom". But my IT-illiterate mom would never get that message. Instead, she'd drop me a line, usually around 1:30am (which I see only on the next morning), that says, "going to bed now. night." This exchange is repeated EVERY NIGHT. Sigh. My mom, so clueless, yet so cute.

2. Sometimes the thought "I'm getting married in just a few months!" hits me out of nowhere at the oddest of time, e.g., when I'm riding in an elevator, when I'm waiting for my Starbucks order, when I'm on my way to the bathroom, etc. Every time it does, bubbles of happiness burst in my chest. I feel so contented, and... safe. I'm really looking forward to settling down and starting a family with SB. :)

3. I made a splurge on a pearl necklace last month. Mikimoto. The best kind. Just a look at the pearls, all shiny and round and laid there beautifully in their royal blue box, is enough to make me happy for the whole day.

4. My thighs are sore from working out. It hurts to walk, or simply to zip up my boots, but the soreness is a powerful reminder of how real and tangible a workout is. You know the change is happening inside you: muscle cells working hard, lactic acid building up... and soon I'll look all toned and sexy! OK, maybe not THAT soon, but at least I have a healthy and fit body, and that's something to be thankful for.

5. I've recently discovered how to take buses in Shanghai. Shame on me, I know. But I feel so much closer to this city ever since. I observe more - of the people around me, of the streets, of the days and nights of the city. As such, I feel like I understand Shanghai more, and maybe even like this place a little better.

6. I'm fundamentally a simple person, with simple needs that are easy to satisfy. Right now, I'm happily bundled up in my blanket, and after I finish updating this blog I will make a move to the kitchen and make myself a simple dinner. Then I'll get changed and head over to a friend's place for a new year party. Food, warmth, friends, and fun. I'm a happy person.

I hope I can feel this way every day.

無常

為什麼說，關於無常，我又學了一課？

去年九月十月，是工作上最酬躇满志的時候。同事們都喜歡我尊敬我，老闆也對我很滿意，常跟我關上門討論明年的大計。曾經一度，計劃是我下面會設兩個部門：一個部門會從現有的二十人擴張到四十人；另外一個部門是全新的，我必須自己找人，從零開始組建隊伍。

然後，就好像人們常說的，if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

事情是從甚麼時候開始滾下坡的呢？應該是在十一月的時候。十一月中，我到新加坡出差一周，當時還跟我們公司亞太區的總裁聊天，他對我目前的發展很滿意，叫我好好努力。沒想到我回來上海後，突然被通知：公司的策略方針有變，我明年本來要加的20個headcount全都沒了，還有，那個全新部門的function，也不需要了（原因是那個function會由北京負責，我們在上海的就不需要管了）。當時我已經請好了那個新部門的經理，只等他十二月上任。就這樣，我生平第一次完全從職位設計到薪酬福利全程參與、親自挑選、聘請的人，還沒有正式上班，就注定了悲劇的收場。

其實我那個時候就有些不好的預感了，只是沒想到情況是如此急轉直下。

十二月初的一天，在完全沒有預兆的情況下，公司宣布，我的老板辭職了，last day是兩天後。事實到底是他辭職了，還是被辭掉，而原因又是甚麼，大家到現在也沒有搞清楚。反正他就這樣走了，留下了一大堆的問號。然後，從十二月中開始到現在，我目睹了這輩子所見過最醜陋的辦公室政治：權利鬥爭，你虞我詐，搞小圈子，邀功告密，無奇不有。我努力的希望置身事外，換來的結果是：那兒都不靠攏。我的職位和部門好像突然沒有意義了…　資源，方向，目標，策略都混沌不清。我要做甚麼？我該做甚麼？又可做甚麼？現在每當我想到工作二字，我只感到前所未有的迷失。

朋友說，真正的變化就是這樣的，總是在你最料想不到的時候殺你一個措手不及。我真的很想怎樣好好的面對和適應，但大抵是我的功力不足，resilience不夠，我真是不知道該怎麼做…

拾年

人生有幾個十年。而我敢大膽的說，過去十年來，每一年，我都沒有枉過。

每一年，都充滿了變化，機遇，閱歷，和成長。每一年，都有其獨特和精彩的地方。

02年，大學畢業，正式成為社會新鮮人。那時的我在工作和待人上都很天真，但充滿熱忱和幢憬，幹甚麼都彷彿有一把火在燃燒。

03年，在工作上深得老闆器重，卻在最後承受不了壓力，辭職收場。那是一個愚蠢的決定，卻也是一個畢生受用的教訓。

04年，是心靈最豐足的一年，學法文學日文，到處旅行，自我探索，放膽發夢。因為這年所誕生的一個夢想，影響了我以後走的路。

05年，加入顧問公司，是事業上的一個轉機。如果說，03年都是work，04年都是life，那05年，就正正是中間那個剛好的平衡點。

06年，被公司派到台灣工作，是我第一次拖著行李箱，到一個陌生的城市，獨立生活。

07年，回到香港，正式為夢想努力，而且很幸運的，在年底，夢想成真。

08年，到法國INSEAD唸MBA，完成我的夢想。這一年看到的學到的得到的東西太多太多了，令我的眼界大了一萬倍，世界的距離少了一千倍。

09年，搬到新加坡，加入了現在的公司。在獅城生活愉快，工作如魚得水，和SB的感情也日漸穩定，感覺是一個全新的開始。

10年，踏入30歲，對健康變得更重視。Make Me Fit是我的生日願望，而且在堅持努力運動下，有了一定成果。噢，這一年，我還成功挑戰自己，爬上了台北101。

11年，升職了，搬到上海。掛著「總監」的銜頭，第一次有了自己的辦公室。雖然沒想到年底會突然翻來一個大浪，不過這也是關於無常的重要一課。

十年了，時光荏苒，流逝的歲月讓生命變得更加醇厚。容我抽一口菸，嘆一句："I have come a long way."

來到2012年，應該也會是很有趣的一年：即將成為人妻，應該會再搬一次家，工作上應該也會有一些未知的改變。期待著，新的一年，又會帶來一次怎麼樣的旅程。也祈求著，下一個拾年也能一樣，不枉歲月，不虚此行。